Goodbye Sweetie

Winter "Kitty" Anderson 1995-2010...

Updates

Car Update: For the price of a new cable for my battery and a trip to Nampa's Junkyard Jungle to hunt for a special part (which I hunted for and found all by myself!) my automatic seat belt is up and running! Woohoo! Special thanks to my boss and co-worker for their free labor! I am however in the market for a new car but am tentative about the process. Wish me luck!

Health Update: I continue my reduced calorie diet of which, according to the scale at work, has lost me about 7lbs. I have however fallen off the wagon twice within the last three days. Today was good though- right on track. I still haven't added any specific exercise. I know I can't avoid it forever. I guess I just don't have the stomach for it right now. Oh, wait- I DO have the stomach for it right now! (Cue bad joke finale- bom bom bomp!)

Financial Update: I got approved for a small loan towards a home or townhouse. The market is thick with inexpensive homes right now. I'm casually looking but am also feeling content in my apartment. Still if I can find a place I like with expenses similar to my current situation I wouldn't mind. I have to think clearly though. The extra expense of a car loan will shift my available funds substantially.

Kitchen Update: So, have I emptied my kitchen as proposed? Not so much. I don't have a real excuse except to say it is easier to count calories by purchasing food already portioned out. For example- a lot easier to consume a frozen meal at 400 calories then try to limit myself to only 400 calories of macaroni and cheese, of which I've known myself to polish off a whole box by my self. I have made some headway just nothing significant.

Romantic Update: Big fat Zero.

Spiritual Update: If you thought I lacked discipline in the other areas of my life wait till you hear this- I can't tell you the last time I cracked open a Bible. As much as I want to grow closer to God I am trying to grow without nourishment and it is not working so well.

Lazy Sunday

It not sunny but it's isn't raining. The pool is open and people are enjoying the outdoors on this fine Memorial day weekend. Somewhere north of here are crowded camp sites and the forests of Idaho smell of smoke and charred burgers. What could be more natural? We all need this three day weekend. I know I do. But I am not outside. I am in my living room flipping channels on the television and writing this blog.

I'm feeling a little low today despite the comfort of a break from work with no obligations. I feel insignificant. I think I know why. This weekend I have been exercising my mental muscles rather than my actual muscles. I allowed myself the indulgence of a mythical adventure series. You may have heard of it- Percy Jackson. These are quick reads. I can polish off one a day and have. I finished the fourth out of five books just last night. And although it peaked my senses and fed my imagination it has left me in ruins. See I love to read and always have, but for the longest time I have resisted getting into books. This is because when the story is over for the characters of the book it is also over for me. Whatever exhilaration I felt while reading the story, imagining I was there along with the hero, is gone. And everything real feels so ordinary.

Now the story of Percy Jackson isn't unlike my own. It is about a boy who discovers he is the son of one of the top three Greek gods- Poseidon. And as these stories go he finds himself with powers of his own, in the middle of an adventure- winging it, and making friends and enemies along the way. Now I obviously don't have super powers nor any defined quest to tend to but like Percy I do have holy lineage. I am the adopted daughter of the one true God, El Shaddai. El Elyon. El Olam.

So, I shouldn't despair that my life seems so small. But I am struggling. I want favor from my Father just as Percy struggles to find favor with his. At the same time however we fight to assert our independence and worth. Perhaps it is a lack of humility but I want something more than Sundays at home flipping channels. However, there are times that hanging out alone at home seems all I can handle. Besides, if I go off on an adventure, off into the unknown, wouldn't I perish? Or worse- give in to all the darkness in the world. I wonder if I already have as I sit here fighting with depression, inferiority, and loneliness; unable to reach out to others as I try to protect myself from getting hurt.

Books are wonderful escapes from reality but eventually their story comes to an end. But, for now, mine keeps going. I hope that one day I will devour my own journey with the enthusiasm and joy that I devour a book. I hope I can't put it down.





P.S. I realize that a lot of my blog posts have a melancholy twist. I thank you for letting me get my thoughts out and for your encouraging comments. I hope that even if my words seem sad that they may help you realize that if you ever feel this way, to any degree, you are not alone. Love and God bless.

Speaking of my Savior

God knows all our weary stories and all the sources and possibilities of evil in our natures. He knows the patent facts of our lives and the latent forces—the hurt and the heartbreak that others cannot see and which cannot be explained, even to our closest friends. He’s aware of the reasons for our moodiness, our temper tantrums, our selfish indulgences. Others may be put off by our personalities, but God never turns away. He sees beyond the prickliness to the broken heart. His understanding is infinite.

-David Roper

Scrumdiddlyumptious

My plans fell through last night so I spent the evening at home, tried to bake a two year old frozen pie and failed, and flipped back and forth between cable channels. I was delighted to find the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on. Don't get me wrong- I love the recent version with Johnny Depp with full appreciation for its closeness to the original Roald Dahl story. However there is just something magical about the 1971 version with Gene Wilder. Most likely due to reasons of nostalgia. I grew up with that movie in the background. And the music. I love watching Grandpa Joe wobbling around Charlie's tiny home to "I have a Golden Ticket." It makes me want a Golden Ticket. And on better days I know I have found one. There is no giant chocolate factory waiting for my arrival, but there is a deeper, richer, more beautiful inheritance for me in Heaven. And it isn't just sitting there waiting for my return it is being revealed day after day as I grow more and more in love with my Savior, Jesus Christ.

IDK

Over the last two weeks a lot has changed. Mostly concerning relationships. Relationships between friends, family, and other. Some are completely out of my control, but one is not. I have been struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend for awhile now. And after weeks of uncertainty I finally realized that I don't have to make myself like him more than I do or even love him. He is a great guy but if he is not the one then he just isn't. I also realized that I am not ready for marriage, and to be in a serious relationship for me is to be pursuing marriage. So after a long and nerve wracking conversation we are no longer a Couple. We are still friends however and will hang out, even go out, but casually and occasionally. Perhaps in the future there will be enough change on both sides for a romantic reconciliation but that is not to be forced and I don't want to force it.

So, breaking down the aftermath of my breakup- I feel better because I know I did the right thing. I also feel crumby cause I never wanted to let him down or hurt him. He has been very cool about everything though. I have such great people in my life and I am very blessed they put up with me. And finally I feel lonely because I'm left wondering if I have a lifetime of not being ready ahead of me.

So I am praying to my Father, "what now?" What should I be focusing my attention on? What should I be devoting my time to? Should I do the biblical studies program at Cole? Go overseas to teach? And what about love? No, seriously, what about love??

For now God hasn't given me any clear direction except to continue doing what I've set out to do: Honor Him, Get my debt paid off, Get healthy, Keep praying. And really that's not bad for direction. Not bad at all.

Bonus

Day two of not spending any money. Boo! I like spending money. I like to buy things. Stuff. Mostly I like to buy myself food. Mocha's, French Fries, Sub Sandwiches. However that is exactly why I always spend more than I should and don't have enough leftover to make a dent in my debt.

I did get an unexpected bonus though- no, not a work bonus, that would have been awesome- but a special treat nonetheless. I received a coupon in the mail for a free small McD's Frappe! No purchase necessary! I got one this morning on my way to work and it wasn't bad. I got the Mocha Frappe and it tasted pretty much like chocolate syrup. Probably densely caloric too.

However it is now 2:40pm and I am dragging! Perhaps there was more sugar in the drink than actual caffeine. Still, I appreciate the gift and believe me coffee is a gift!

Mission Empty Kitchen

I love to eat out. EVERYDAY. And I eat out every day because every day I look in my fridge and cupboards and am frankly uninspired. There is nothing to eat I cry! But that isn't true. I've got dried pasta and rice, cereal, cans of soap and vegetables, refried beans and mini marshmellows. There are cherry tomatoes and an artichoke, cheese and tortillas and lots of frozen delights such as individual pieces of slightly freezer burned chicken and ready-to-bake pumpkin pie from 2008. So, to my delicate palate I say "shove off!" I will embark on a mission to eat till I have exhausted the storage units of my apartment kitchen cold or otherwise. I will eat the pork n beans! I will eat the Ramen! I will not waste the food I have been provisioned with. And when it is all said and done I will go grocery shopping for things I actually like to eat!

Criminy!

In immediate response to #7 of my last post I have decided to share my Debt journey with you all. This will be an utterly humiliating experience. I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to it! So the first thing I did today was buy a Mocha...I know, I know, but it's Mocha Mondays! Discount Mochas every Monday at Moxie Java! Okay, okay I promise to do better. It doesn't help much that I got a Chocolate Chip muffin as well. Yikes. Nearly $6 down my stomach. On a positive note I did not buy lunch today. I had a mini-Stouffer's Lasagna in the freezer at work. Very satisfying.

I also visited Suzeorman.com for some advice on my lunch hour. I'm not sure why but I enjoy Suze. She is kinda overbearing but she has a big heart for the average American who does not have access to financial advisors. On her website I found a link to check my credit report for free. And not just free for thirty days and then they charge your account if you don't cancel, either. Actual free. I was very relieved to find no suspicious activity and all my accounts in good standing! Whew! I also found this list summarizing key points to becoming debt free:

1. If you are in credit card trouble, you must cut up all of your credit cards now, with the possible exception of one card for emergencies; do not carry this card in your wallet, however.

2. You must pay more than the minimum payment every month, as much more as you possibly can. If you owe a credit card company $5000 at 18 percent interest and all you do is pay the minimum each month it will take you over 30 years to pay it off.
You must pay off the credit card with the highest interest rate first, and the rest in descending order.

3. You must negotiate for yourself the best interest rates, even if it means switching credit cards every six months.

4. You must understand everything about how your credit card works--all fees, how the company charges you, all about the so-called grace period, everything.

5. You must honor all your debts equally--whether it's the money you owe Visa, or the money you owe your brother.

6. After you pay off one credit card, you must apply the money you have been paying that particular company to paying off another credit card.

7. If you doubt that you can do this yourself, you must get in touch with a wonderful nonprofit agency known as the Consumer Credit Counseling Service; they can be reached by calling 1-800-388-2227. They will help you organize and consolidate your debt.

8. You must never let this happen again.

9. After your debts have all been paid off, you are to apply the money you were paying all those months toward creating your future.

Number eight speaks particularly strong to me as the sad truth is that I did let this happen again. I had been completely out of credit card debt by a once in a lifetime gift from my mother after she sold her property downtown. But here I am again. Although, save a recent plane ticket, I have not used either of my credit cards in almost a year I owe approximately:

Capital One: $4800.00
First Financial: $5200.00

Yes, almost exactly $10,000 in credit card debt, and at large interest rates between 18% and 26% a little does not go a long way. Interest alone eats up my monthly payments leaving me feeling powerless. I also have a remaining student loan debt of which I pay fixed monthly payments at a low consolidated rate.

Honestly, it hurts me to post this but I must if I want to be honest with you and myself. I appreciate your company on this journey...

P.S. Anyone have 10 Grand?

7 Things

This week has been a week of bad news. Outside of my previous post even. I don't really want to talk about all the bad things I've learned so instead I will share some good/interesting things instead:

1. Idaho has a state insect. It eats the Milkweed Plant. And it is the Monarch Butterfly. (In that order).

2. According to Steven Hawking we should be afraid of aliens...very afraid.

3. Spot cleaner and lots of scrubbing will NOT take blood out of carpet...it will just spread it around leaving an ambiguous stain. (Matching all the other ambiguous stains).

4. You can't judge a book by its cover, even if you read the back synopsis. Nor can you assume you understand the motives of a friend even after years of interaction.

5. You can take a boy out of Kuna but you can't take Kuna out of the boy. Even if he has only lived there 2 years.

6. God does seek to repair lives and families. He may take 22 years to do so. Not because He is stubborn but because we are. (Studying the life of Joseph at Cole).

7. If I don't start being responsible with my money and my health soon I'm going to lose it all. If I give up my daily Mocha now, peace will follow, after the with-drawls anyway.

:(

I learned tonight that my married friends will be divorcing each other in the near future. I learned that they couldn't make it work. That they are getting along better now- separated- then they ever were together.

I can't tell them this now but they were a role model couple to me. Not because they had a perfect marriage like some people do, but because they had an imperfect marriage. The kind I grew up with. The kind that always ended in divorce. But you see my friends were different- They had struggles but they came through them. They had their differences but kept going. But in the end it was too hard. In the end they will divorce. And they are okay- They are on good terms with each other now. Their biggest struggle is no longer each other but from the backlash of friends, family and church.

I will be having coffee with one of them this weekend. I love both of these people. I wish and pray that it wouldn't end like this. That they would stay together. And the sad thing is that I want them to stay together for them, but also for me. So I can have that hope back. Selfish, desperate hope that even though marriage is hard- and it is- it can work. It is worthwhile. It is worth protecting. Even I could do it. But I'm just not confident anymore.

I understand and agree that this is none of my business, and that it is self centered of me to make this even an inch about me. Still, I feel these feelings. I think our culture wants us to forget that our personal decisions and actions do not affect us only, but those all around us. We are a community. And every day we are a community more and more fragmented.

As soon as my brain no longer feels like a soppy rag incapable of thought or reflection I will post something wonderful. But that is not now. Either way I am home from Indiana.

If you give a girl a cookie...

I have discovered my Achilles Heel. My Kryptonite. My Yoko. You may be thinking the obvious answer- Food. Well yes and no. It is not food in general. It is a food specifically. The one, the only, the Cookie. Not just because it is the most delicious dessert creation in the universe. Not just because it can be simple and perfect, warm and gooey, or crunchy and complicated-it doesn't matter- you have a cookie? Give it to me. That is a threat. But the real reason that a cookie can put me on my knees? I can't bake a cookie to save my life. I'm not talking about ready to bake (thank you Lord for Nestle cookie dough!), I'm talking about from scratch. Fresh eggs, real butter, brown AND white sugar, chocolate chips, all those powdery ingredients (baking powder, flour, baking soda) a little salt, a little vanilla. Yum. Except when yours truly is behind the whisk. Look out and look forward to flat, flavorless flops. They don't look appetizing and they don't taste good. My biggest private domestic shame all wrapped up in a 3 inch diameter....disc.

I'm sorry

Very recently, as in today, I made a friend very aware that I was mad at them. And of course they have no idea the REAL reason for my anger. In fact what they believe me to be angry about is so ridiculous and petty there is no way I do not come out looking like a crazy person.

So...I should apologize. It is the right thing to do and I know God is pursuing a pure heart from me, but there is a problem. I don't really know how to apologize. Okay, that's not true. Truthfully I'm not ready to be sorry yet. And I'm not ready to be sorry yet because even I don't really understand what I'm mad about. I can pin point a few specific reasons but mostly my anger is built up of hundreds of small hurts accumulated over a several year friendship. I practice my speech in my mind and it always ends up something like, "I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm not really mad about this situation. I'm just mad because of all the times you hurt me and all the things you've said that made me feel like you looked down on me and well because...you suck..." Obviously that would go over well. And obviously over looks the fact that I too, at times, have done hurtful things to them. All the times I wasn't there for them. All the times I sucked. But who wants to think about that, right?

So while I'm trying to figure out how to make up with this friend; to my friends who are reading this now, for any and all times I hurt you, any little or big hurt that you kept deep down because you weren't ready to confront me yet, please accept my apology. Please don't keep it hidden anymore. And if you need to tell me to be free from it- Please tell me. I may not be ready to speak but I am ready to listen.

Eyes Wide Shut

Aaaaaaah! It burns! So glad my pupils are as big as quarters otherwise I might miss that bright searing light two inches from my eyeballs. Look forward? Don't blink? Oh sure! As you blur out into a greenish-yellow fog-blob I'll just stretch my peepers wide open. At least I get these awesome plastic sun-blockers when its over. They unroll like toilet paper and cling to the sides of my head reminding everyone how awesome the Terminator movies really are, and hey, lets check for T2 at the Red Box! I'm going home. Sigh.

Excessive

There have been new developments in my life as of late. I've finally settled into my new job and no longer feel like a complete space cadet. Truthfully though my rampant tardiness could prove fatal if I don't get on track. I've spoken with my boss and found we are like minded about this. Actually I walked in late one morning to find him at my desk. With a copy of my time sheet. And a highlighter. Oh goody. So in response, I reached into my drawer and pulled out my own copy of a time sheet. Highlighted. My boss laughed. Like mindedness is awesome except when it is about how you much you suck. And when it comes to being on time- I suck. Otherwise I feel that my boss is satisfied with my work..or at least hides it well if he is not.

I have also, for the very first time in my life, entered into a real and romantic relationship. There is no confusion that I am now someone's girlfriend. Scares the Hell out of me. What on earth am I doing with this interesting, affectionate, dorky, half immature, terribly broke man who seems to like me- as Bridget Jones would say- "just as I am." I want to be with him, and yet, I want to run as far away from him (and relationships in general) at the same time. Is he the right one? I don't know. And I feel like I'm supposed to know.

So with the perfect job (perfectly reasonable at any rate) and the perfect guy (for the moment) I have one question; Why, oh why, am I still overeating? Why am I woofing down raw cake mix by the spoonful? And sitting on my butt hour after hour? I thought if other areas of my life improved so would my eating habits. There is no pressure to be thin. I'm with a guy who likes my body, thinks its awesome I can polish off a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and doesn't need me to look like a super model. I'm getting the acceptance I always wanted with all the weight. There is no need to eat to protect myself or hide myself anymore. So why am I still eating sooooo much...

Thoughts on Screwtape

CS Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters has always been one of my favorites due to its aggressive reveal of the intense and intricate spiritual warfare we experience hourly but are often ignorant of. A book written so many years ago remains one of the most practical tools for identifying current tactics of the Devil, aka “the father below", while also rejoicing in the infallible dominance of Our God above. Not even a Demon, such as Screwtape can deny God’s “disgusting” ability to lavish love, patience and power on those He created. The Screwtape Letters unwraps the tangled mess our mind, body and spirit can be lost in without even realizing it.

The very tactics of Evil in this world are so, well, natural to the human experience that they are rarely sniffed at. How we pray, what we study, whether we go to church or not, whether we love or pity, or look down on others, whether we study science or philosophy or teacups for that matter can all be manipulated against our the safety of our very souls. Now whether one believes that a saint can be brought down by such tactics having already been saved is a separate matter. I’m not entirely sure I believe God ever really loses his grasp on his Beloved such as Screwtape describes- however I can clearly imagine a Demon’s life-long occupation as to continually distract and harm us on our path, perhaps desperately thinking they can really win in the end.

Setting aside then the philosophical debate on whether a saved soul can lose it’s salvation, the story itself is important to remind us that, particularly in the Western Hemisphere, Satan no longer needs frantic physical attacks, ghoulish visitations, or clear witchcraft to disable our effectiveness as Christians, (let alone to keep non-believers at bay). It takes very little to block from our eyes the opening to great darkness into our lives. It is the whitewashing of evil in the world that keeps us tied down. We can barely recognize its power in our lives let alone that it is there at all.

Fear of the Day

I have to know. Is marriage even worth it? Isn't it just one big romp until everyone gets hurt? How can I believe that it won't crush me.

Devout

I purchased a devotional through Amazon.com titled Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning. I'm enjoying it immensely. It has already taught me something about myself; I am exceedingly self serving.

I recognized this trait this morning at about 5:42 am. Having been woke by my cat of 15 years, Winter, my mind went straight to the devotional. Well to be honest it went to "I still have two hours to sleep-frickin sweet!" but I shrugged that off for a higher calling. Normally I don't get to my devotional till, well, whenever. However, God wanted to be first in my day and so He was.

Plopping down on the couch I opened up today's devotional and read. I read and read and eventually finished and upon reflection thought to myself, "huh." I wasn't altogether inspired. I regretted not slumping straight back to bed after attending to Winter. Certainly what I read could have waited. In my heart i blamed the author for not being more eloquent, I was suddenly mad at my cat for meowing me to consciousness, I guess in a way I even felt let down by God for it. But they weren't the problem.

The problem was the devotional alright; that it had very little to do with what I want and everything to do with wanting what God wants. And for me there is a wall there. I know because I built it. I don't want to be reminded that God and I are not always on the same page concerning my life and how it is spent. I want warm fuzzies. There I admit it. I want warm fuzzies and to be told I'm awesome and to feel encouraged and to be reaffirmed that God loves me soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Because I need that. I need a lot of that.

And in a way the devotional did tell me this. It was about our closeness with God. But closeness via obedience. Yep. Obedience. God does not require us to do anything to earn our salvation, but as any parent raising his kid right, he does expect obedience. And the truth is in obedience we can experience a closeness to God indescribable.

Welcome to 2010

I am sitting at home listening to Ten out of Tenn off their website. Currently Griffin House is playing and I am in love. Here, sit alone at home at night and listen to this:



Like most songs it is the looping of the chorus that gets me involved in the sentiment of the music. I saw TOT when they came and played at the Knitting Factory. Actually I really went to support Jody Schneider, a singer songwriter I am most privileged to call Friend. I was blown away by her new material but I had no idea what to expect with Tenn. Phenomenal. Fun, interactive. I don't smoke but I had a feeling that listening to them was the physiological equivalent of taking that long first drag. I'm hoping to see them again if they ever come back to Boise. Fingers-crossed.

Anyway, Griffin House has finished and other songs by other artists play as I write this. I have fallen once again out of love. I guess it is as good a way to start the new year as any. Better than some.