Monday, May 17, 2010


Over the last two weeks a lot has changed. Mostly concerning relationships. Relationships between friends, family, and other. Some are completely out of my control, but one is not. I have been struggling with my relationship with my boyfriend for awhile now. And after weeks of uncertainty I finally realized that I don't have to make myself like him more than I do or even love him. He is a great guy but if he is not the one then he just isn't. I also realized that I am not ready for marriage, and to be in a serious relationship for me is to be pursuing marriage. So after a long and nerve wracking conversation we are no longer a Couple. We are still friends however and will hang out, even go out, but casually and occasionally. Perhaps in the future there will be enough change on both sides for a romantic reconciliation but that is not to be forced and I don't want to force it.

So, breaking down the aftermath of my breakup- I feel better because I know I did the right thing. I also feel crumby cause I never wanted to let him down or hurt him. He has been very cool about everything though. I have such great people in my life and I am very blessed they put up with me. And finally I feel lonely because I'm left wondering if I have a lifetime of not being ready ahead of me.

So I am praying to my Father, "what now?" What should I be focusing my attention on? What should I be devoting my time to? Should I do the biblical studies program at Cole? Go overseas to teach? And what about love? No, seriously, what about love??

For now God hasn't given me any clear direction except to continue doing what I've set out to do: Honor Him, Get my debt paid off, Get healthy, Keep praying. And really that's not bad for direction. Not bad at all.


  1. I agree with you, that's not bad at all. *hugs Rachel hard*

  2. I second the motion *puts arms around Rachel and Miriam*