Sunday, March 28, 2010


There have been new developments in my life as of late. I've finally settled into my new job and no longer feel like a complete space cadet. Truthfully though my rampant tardiness could prove fatal if I don't get on track. I've spoken with my boss and found we are like minded about this. Actually I walked in late one morning to find him at my desk. With a copy of my time sheet. And a highlighter. Oh goody. So in response, I reached into my drawer and pulled out my own copy of a time sheet. Highlighted. My boss laughed. Like mindedness is awesome except when it is about how you much you suck. And when it comes to being on time- I suck. Otherwise I feel that my boss is satisfied with my work..or at least hides it well if he is not.

I have also, for the very first time in my life, entered into a real and romantic relationship. There is no confusion that I am now someone's girlfriend. Scares the Hell out of me. What on earth am I doing with this interesting, affectionate, dorky, half immature, terribly broke man who seems to like me- as Bridget Jones would say- "just as I am." I want to be with him, and yet, I want to run as far away from him (and relationships in general) at the same time. Is he the right one? I don't know. And I feel like I'm supposed to know.

So with the perfect job (perfectly reasonable at any rate) and the perfect guy (for the moment) I have one question; Why, oh why, am I still overeating? Why am I woofing down raw cake mix by the spoonful? And sitting on my butt hour after hour? I thought if other areas of my life improved so would my eating habits. There is no pressure to be thin. I'm with a guy who likes my body, thinks its awesome I can polish off a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and doesn't need me to look like a super model. I'm getting the acceptance I always wanted with all the weight. There is no need to eat to protect myself or hide myself anymore. So why am I still eating sooooo much...

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thoughts on Screwtape

CS Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters has always been one of my favorites due to its aggressive reveal of the intense and intricate spiritual warfare we experience hourly but are often ignorant of. A book written so many years ago remains one of the most practical tools for identifying current tactics of the Devil, aka “the father below", while also rejoicing in the infallible dominance of Our God above. Not even a Demon, such as Screwtape can deny God’s “disgusting” ability to lavish love, patience and power on those He created. The Screwtape Letters unwraps the tangled mess our mind, body and spirit can be lost in without even realizing it.

The very tactics of Evil in this world are so, well, natural to the human experience that they are rarely sniffed at. How we pray, what we study, whether we go to church or not, whether we love or pity, or look down on others, whether we study science or philosophy or teacups for that matter can all be manipulated against our the safety of our very souls. Now whether one believes that a saint can be brought down by such tactics having already been saved is a separate matter. I’m not entirely sure I believe God ever really loses his grasp on his Beloved such as Screwtape describes- however I can clearly imagine a Demon’s life-long occupation as to continually distract and harm us on our path, perhaps desperately thinking they can really win in the end.

Setting aside then the philosophical debate on whether a saved soul can lose it’s salvation, the story itself is important to remind us that, particularly in the Western Hemisphere, Satan no longer needs frantic physical attacks, ghoulish visitations, or clear witchcraft to disable our effectiveness as Christians, (let alone to keep non-believers at bay). It takes very little to block from our eyes the opening to great darkness into our lives. It is the whitewashing of evil in the world that keeps us tied down. We can barely recognize its power in our lives let alone that it is there at all.

Fear of the Day

I have to know. Is marriage even worth it? Isn't it just one big romp until everyone gets hurt? How can I believe that it won't crush me.