Sunday, December 13, 2009
I love to laugh. I love to spend actual quality time with people I care about. I enjoy movies, books, food, life. I want to make people roll over with laughter. I often go too far in the pursuit of this. I'd like to think I add life to a gathering. I feel like I have a place in the room that way. In that moment it is easier to forget how useless and insignificant I feel in others. It is easier to pretend I'm not a fat, insecure, little girl inside. But I've been rejected too many times to forget. At the center of me will always be that knowledge. I could weigh 115 lbs, with gorgeous skin and hair, a perfect shape for perfect clothes, but in the face of disappointment- I'm short, tangle-haired, a chubby Daddy's girl, who no longer has a Daddy. Who do you cry to when you are 28 years old? And should you? It is a drag to show weakness. You have to be strong. Regardless of how much you want to collapse into someone's arms, no longer able to hold up your own weight, you remain only what you are when everyone is gone. And eventually, everyone is gone.