Devout

I purchased a devotional through Amazon.com titled Reflections for Ragamuffins by Brennan Manning. I'm enjoying it immensely. It has already taught me something about myself; I am exceedingly self serving.

I recognized this trait this morning at about 5:42 am. Having been woke by my cat of 15 years, Winter, my mind went straight to the devotional. Well to be honest it went to "I still have two hours to sleep-frickin sweet!" but I shrugged that off for a higher calling. Normally I don't get to my devotional till, well, whenever. However, God wanted to be first in my day and so He was.

Plopping down on the couch I opened up today's devotional and read. I read and read and eventually finished and upon reflection thought to myself, "huh." I wasn't altogether inspired. I regretted not slumping straight back to bed after attending to Winter. Certainly what I read could have waited. In my heart i blamed the author for not being more eloquent, I was suddenly mad at my cat for meowing me to consciousness, I guess in a way I even felt let down by God for it. But they weren't the problem.

The problem was the devotional alright; that it had very little to do with what I want and everything to do with wanting what God wants. And for me there is a wall there. I know because I built it. I don't want to be reminded that God and I are not always on the same page concerning my life and how it is spent. I want warm fuzzies. There I admit it. I want warm fuzzies and to be told I'm awesome and to feel encouraged and to be reaffirmed that God loves me soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Because I need that. I need a lot of that.

And in a way the devotional did tell me this. It was about our closeness with God. But closeness via obedience. Yep. Obedience. God does not require us to do anything to earn our salvation, but as any parent raising his kid right, he does expect obedience. And the truth is in obedience we can experience a closeness to God indescribable.

Welcome to 2010

I am sitting at home listening to Ten out of Tenn off their website. Currently Griffin House is playing and I am in love. Here, sit alone at home at night and listen to this:



Like most songs it is the looping of the chorus that gets me involved in the sentiment of the music. I saw TOT when they came and played at the Knitting Factory. Actually I really went to support Jody Schneider, a singer songwriter I am most privileged to call Friend. I was blown away by her new material but I had no idea what to expect with Tenn. Phenomenal. Fun, interactive. I don't smoke but I had a feeling that listening to them was the physiological equivalent of taking that long first drag. I'm hoping to see them again if they ever come back to Boise. Fingers-crossed.

Anyway, Griffin House has finished and other songs by other artists play as I write this. I have fallen once again out of love. I guess it is as good a way to start the new year as any. Better than some.

The Truth

I love to laugh. I love to spend actual quality time with people I care about. I enjoy movies, books, food, life. I want to make people roll over with laughter. I often go too far in the pursuit of this. I'd like to think I add life to a gathering. I feel like I have a place in the room that way. In that moment it is easier to forget how useless and insignificant I feel in others. It is easier to pretend I'm not a fat, insecure, little girl inside. But I've been rejected too many times to forget. At the center of me will always be that knowledge. I could weigh 115 lbs, with gorgeous skin and hair, a perfect shape for perfect clothes, but in the face of disappointment- I'm short, tangle-haired, a chubby Daddy's girl, who no longer has a Daddy. Who do you cry to when you are 28 years old? And should you? It is a drag to show weakness. You have to be strong. Regardless of how much you want to collapse into someone's arms, no longer able to hold up your own weight, you remain only what you are when everyone is gone. And eventually, everyone is gone.

For my very first post.....

I've decided that state license plate slogans are dull. So here is a revised list of State Slogans which I believe will boost community spirit and tourism.

Nebraska; The Unicorn State
Ohio; Land of tiny people
Rhode Island; Yes, we're still here
Idaho; Because nothing good was on TV*

TBC


courtesy of my good friend Dan F.